The Freedom of Truth

Come and Worship

2010-12-07T19:38:00.001-06:00

Our worship leader Jarrod at Crosspoint Church has written a new song titled Come and Worship. We would love to share this with as many people as possible and welcome you to download and share with your friends and family.

May this song be a blessing to you and remind us all that the reason we celebrate is Jesus.

With love,

The Blessing of Family and Friends

2010-11-28T19:58:00.000-06:00

As we wrap up the Thanksgiving holiday and beginning preparing for Christmas I wanted to take a moment and say just how blessed I am! I often get so caught up in life, struggles, work and Me that I sometimes forget to say Thank you Jesus! Thank you for the blessings that I have, thank you for the friends both old and new, thank you for family even with the good and bad, thank you for forgiveness and thank you for setting me free.

Hillsong - This is Our God - With Subtitles/Lyrics

2010-11-09T06:32:00.000-06:00

Healing Begins

2010-09-23T06:31:00.002-05:00

The Painful Art of Truth

2010-09-14T06:46:00.001-05:00

The title of my blog has always been about the Freedom of Truth. I have always known that Truth is relative to what we believe about a situation, another person or ourselves. It is easy for me to look at another and think if they would only see the truth before their eyes yet I have never been willing to accept the truths about myself.

Maybe this is in part due to the lies the enemy has told me all my life so I accepted those, maybe it was because I have used walls to shield myself from the painful feelings I have carried all of my life or maybe it was because I could not face my own truths. This is the place I am today.

Like the Israelites I feel I have wandered in the desert for so many years, going around the same mountains time and time again that has brought me to the place where I am actively seeking to know the truth. The truth that will set me free from my past, rejection, fear, insecurity and the freedom to move forward with my life.

My first step is admitting that "I am powerless over others and my life has become unmanageable."

It's Time for Me to Fly

2010-08-17T06:41:00.001-05:00

Ecclesiastes talks about a season of change; that there is a time for everything. I sense and know a season of change is coming in my life. Change brings about uncertainty and can cause fear of the unknown. Fear, oh how that cripples our lives, keeps us from trying, taunts us daily and continually makes us doubt ourselves. Fear torments us and then prevents us from God's destiny.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Well as a famous and well respected Bible teacher always says; "then do it afraid". "Do not fear" is listed in the Bible 365 times, one for everyday! Do not fear does not mean that your heart won't pound, your hands won't sweat and you won't feel queasy inside, it means do not runaway!!

So what are you running from?

Life is So Complicated These Days

2010-07-20T20:56:00.000-05:00

Boy it has been quiet some time since I had a few moments to myself and an opportunity to just type my thoughts away. Things in my life seem to be swirling out of control over the past few months and it seems that I am finding several cracks in my foundation. A crack in a foundation allows things that you want to keep in side get out and allows things that we don't want to come in...

I have been presented with many challenges over the past few months and find myself wondering why? I guess we all question did I do something wrong, why me Lord, when will this pass, will I ever get it right? It seems the path that I had planned and the course that I chartered is not moving along at the pace and direction that I had hoped. Ever step I take seems to lead directly into a wall. I feel that I am being tested and tried in so many areas; areas that I thought I had mastered or at least overcame. Funny how that happens, huh?

Trust seems to be a common theme to these issues. Trusting that I am doing the right thing, Trusting that God is in control, Trusting that He will never leave me nor forsake me, Trusting that he does make our crooked roads straight.

Luke 3:5
Every valley shall be filled in, every mountain and hill made low. The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth.

I am not sure how this is all going to work out and I don't know what God's plan is but I am reminded of an old hymn that we sang in church growing up.

Learning to Lean

Learning to lean,
I'm learning to lean on Jesus
Finding more power than I've ever dreamed
I'm learning to lean on Jesus.

(repeat)

Sad broken hearted, at an alter I knelt
I found peace that was so serene
And all that He asks is a child like trust
And a heart that is learning to lean

Learning to lean
Learning to lean,
I'm learning to lean on Jesus
Finding more power than I've ever dreamed
I'm learning to lean on Jesus.

(repeat)

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed
I'm learning to lean on Jesus.
I'm learning to lean on Jesus.

I pray that this is the song I can sing with all my heart as I walk the path before me.

We Have more in Common than You think

2010-04-02T16:07:00.002-05:00

I was at Marshall's yesterday looking for a great deal as all fashionista's do and met a wonderful lady named Linda. Linda and I started sharing our story as I tried on dress after dress with her assistance in zipping, unzipping and providing her opinion. As I shared time with this beautiful women she told me that she was engaged and would be married in 2011. After a heartfelt congratulations I asked Linda why was the date set so far away. As you see Linda was not some young lady she was a women in her mid to late 40's and usually at this stage in our lives a long engagement is not customary. She shared that she was using this time to decide if the relationship would last. Her philosophy was if they made it through the year and a half to the wedding date then she would know that they could make it.

In that moment and with those words, I realized Linda had been hurt and had her heart broken before. Maybe it was the guarded answer, the doubt in her words, the need for some time, a clue or mystical sign that this would last that provoked an all too familiar feeling in me that prompted me to ask...Are you divorced? Yes, came the reply. She went on to share her story of being with his man for years who she thought she could trust, whom she had shared her dreams and found her world crashing down on her in an instant. With one simple word; yes, I felt empathy for this woman and knew the unspeakable pain that was conveyed in that one simple word. We went on to share our stories in greater detail but the barriers that came down in that moment for us both; a sense of belonging, acceptance when you realize there is someone who was just like you, someone who knew what it was like to feel the pain that cannot be uttered in words, someone who did not look at you in judgment wondering what you did wrong that caused this divorce but simply someone who understood that yes, both parties had faults and made mistakes; but you cannot make someone love you or stay if they are determined to leave.

The simple truths that can only be understood by someone who has walked a mile in your shoes. Yes, heartbreak is no respecter of persons. It can come in many forms and to any person. As I reflected on this I was reminded of the verse where Jesus experienced the ultimate pain. Utter rejection by the very people who were His dearest friends.

Isaiah 53:3
He was despised and rejected; a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.

He was lied about, He was beaten for crimes He did not commit and He suffered the ultimate shame and humiliation. Somehow, I take comfort in this, it gives me hope and I have cried my heart out to Him. Page upon page of letters, prayers, fears, hurts and pains I have shared with Him. He does understand and He has promised to heal me, to be my comforter and to keep me in the shadow of His wings. Maybe I cannot comprehend the depths that He loves me sometimes and I find myself stuck in that moment of utter abandonment and rejection. But somewhere down deep inside there is a flutter that comes forth and gets stronger each day...This knowing down deep inside that He does care and I can call on Him and He will be there. I can talk to Him about everything and He never gets tired of listening. That's my Jesus! As we celebrate Good Friday may I truly understand and comprehend the depths of this verse in my life.

Philippians 3:10
That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Happy Easter,

You are Missing a Great Relationship

2010-03-20T09:58:00.002-05:00

I am going to tell you something about me that I don't share very often and feel is a source of shame. I am DIVORCED and have been for six years now. This word brings me constant shame, regret and embarrassment. It makes me look at the world in a different light and makes me judge things, situations and people based off the hurt I have experienced in the past.

My view of marriage and relationships is based or biased off of what has happened to me and other failed relationships I have experienced or witnessed. It keeps me from trusting, believing, enjoying, laughing and just living my life as if something good can come from it. Last week I went to a wedding and while the couple was sharing their vows I found myself thinking “this won’t last” nothing does. I recently posted about a very dear friend who was instrumental in helping me through my divorce by praying, talking and supporting me; she is getting divorced. To me this confirms the doubts, fears and lies I believe about marriage.

I have spent the last six years trying to overcome the pain of rejection, the sadness of watching my dreams fall apart right before my very eyes, the gut wrenching feeling of betrayal by the very person who promised to love you and honor you before God, family and friends. I spent almost an entire decade with this man; sharing my dreams, my life, my home, my finances, my hurts, my joys, my family, my prayers and the very essence of who I was to only have it wiped away in a moment of realization that he was leaving me for what I thought was my best friend.

For those who have never experienced this type of pain; I can only say you have been blessed and may God keep you from ever experiencing the pain and utter heartbreak that comes from such betrayal. May God grant you the compassion and desire to be there for that hurting friend, family or acquaintance to listen without judgment and offer your heartfelt prayers that God would see them through this trial of their life. You will never understand what they are feeling and may never know the depths of pain and the battle that lies ahead of them.

For those of you who have walked in my shoes and know the pains I have described I want to tell you I understand. I have been where you are; I know about the sleepless nights, the fear of being alone, the inability to think for yourself, the helplessness that now consumes your days and nights. The moments when you are alone in the house that you once shared and you just sit and shake because it hurts so very much to be there. The running around without a purpose to keep from going home; sleeping on friends couches or going to every church retreat you hear about trying to find something to ease the pain. Pouring through the Bible asking God for a word; searching the internet for books and facts on “How to Save your Marriage”. Standing in every prayer line you can find asking for them to lay hands on you; or just begging God that someone would give you a “word”. Journaling your prayers and thoughts to God every night begging for a miracle that He would save your marriage; and as the months and years pass and you realize this is not His will your prayers start to change. God please help me to make it through…

Well here I am six years later; I have made it through I am back on my feet financially and to the eyes of the world around me; I have got it going on. You could not look at me today and see the cracks in my foundation, the scars that are still on my heart, and the doubts that are still in my mind. Yes, I have learned to mask and hide these emotions from most everyone I know. I have become the master of disguise. Yes, God has done some amazing things in my life and many of the things that once held me captive I have overcome; however I am finally sharing this small portion of my story with anyone who happens upon this blog but mostly for me to put it on paper and get it out of my heart so I can be truly healed.
I decided to share this today because you see I have been in a relationship with a wonderful, caring, compassionate, funny, giving, and God loving man for almost three years. I have shared my past with him and some of it goes much deeper than the wounds I have had the courage to write about today; but I bared my soul to him and told him about all the skeletons and terrible things in my past. Believe it or not; he is still around today. I don’t know if I hoped I could scare him off if I told him everything; and many times I think I still wait for him to decide that he can’t handle these things and walk away from me….

These things come up in our relationship time and time again even though I think I have changed and let them go; apparently I have not. He made a statement to me in our last flashback which really gave me pause and has prompted me to really examine myself, cleanse myself of the past and find a way to move forward. While I was brining up all my doubts and fears and basically accusing him of all these things he said, “Janet, you are missing a great relationship.” You see he does not hold onto every single word, deed, action, disagreement looking for some secret signal that he should leave me or doesn’t really love me or this relationship isn’t going to work. No, he takes each moment as it happens and chooses to believe that I love him. He always believes the best of me. He takes the 90% that is great and enjoys every moment and the 10% that is not so great….well he says still isn’t so bad when you love someone. He has figured out how to live what the Bible says.

I Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I do keep records of wrongs; I can be rude if I think he is doing something to hurt me; I lash out as a means to protect myself…I do not trust him or many people in general, I don’t hope, I have decided if I don’t expect much then you can’t be hurt much….I do not preserver, I am quick to just quit give up hope, decide it isn’t worth it. I don’t hold onto dreams and don’t really let myself get excited about much of anything. I am a very calculated risk taker!

I want to change, I want to believe, and I don’t want to doubt and always be in fear that everything is going to fall apart. I want to have faith that there really is love and it is real. I know I have these amazing feelings for him but I don’t let them out because I refuse to give too much of myself again. I only give about 30% maybe 40% of myself to this relationship and hold onto the other 60% looking for a guarantee that I will never be hurt and that this is real. I am cheating him and holding back all the love and emotions I feel because I am afraid of being hurt again. I am cheating myself of an amazing relationship because I can’t let go of these fears!

So this morning I am doing an emotional cleansing! I am taking the first step in changing and that is getting the stuff out, confessing my faults to you and the world!

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

I am taking the first steps to a new day and a new beginning and will share my journey with you. I promise myself that I will give all that I have to give and when I am afraid I will give anyway. When I feel like retreating or withholding my love because I think he is sitting in judgment or he may not agree with me, I will respond in love. I do want a great relationship; the kind that the Bible talks about when a man and a woman give their hearts to God and put Him first in their lives. That is the marriage and life I dream about but have believed is closed off to me because of my past!!

I will continue to share my walk with you as I commit to making a change and having the relationship of my dreams. I ask that you would pray for me and if you can relate to my story in anyway and wish to leave a comment as I continue sharing my story I will pray for you!

God Bless,

2010-03-11T06:35:00.000-06:00

My hearts a little heavy this morning after hearing some very disturbing news about a dear friend. This has stirred many emotions in me through the night to the point I could not sleep. This friend has traveled down a path that has lead to deceit, lying, using others, hurting family and friends and will eventually hurt her witness.

As I heard the story I was reminded of a similar situation that I went through years ago and all the hurt, pain, devastation, fear and doubt that it brought into my life. As I lay there last night trying to understand and not judge this friend I wondered how could this happen. How do we get so far away from God that we can deceive ourselves that what we are doing is right?

While I have never walked the path and made the decisions of this dear friend; I have deceived myself into believing my choices and decisions were right. I have allowed my desires to overrule what I know and believe to be true in my heart. I felt the gentle tug on my heart as God tried to gently push me back on the path but purposely convinced myself that what I was feeling was just doubt and not God. Oh how easily we can close out the voice of God when it conflicts with our wants and desires.

There are many verses that describe the consequences when we go astray; and a familiar one we all know is Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. I am reaping today the seeds I sowed yesterday! If in the midst of the moment we could keep our eyes focused ahead and on the prize would we stray so easily?

The good news for us all is that God always forgives. There is no sin to big or to great that our Heavenly Father cannot forgive. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. This is His promise to us all.

I am thankful for a God who has forgiven me when I have gone astray and gently welcomes me back into the fold with Love and Mercy. May I always remember to offer and do the same to those who need forgiveness.

Spring Feveer

2010-02-21T08:05:00.001-06:00

h I think I have a case of Spring Fever!!! Two days in Nashville with temperatures in the 60's is enough to make a southern girl think about sandals, sundresses, sunshine, flowers and the beauty of spring in the South.

Today I am heading to my first Bridal Show at the Frist Center. It seems a little odd at this point in my life to begin or try to plan a wedding. I really am not sure where to begin so I have a friend who is a pro; she is married and has hosted multiple weddings as the maid and matron of honor.

So if I can just share I would love to find a great outdoor wedding location that won't break the bank. Wish me luck and I will let you know how it goes.

Snow Day

2010-01-31T19:35:00.000-06:00

So Middle Tennessee finally got snow....about seven inches! The white landscape is beautiful. The stillness and absolute quiet is something we don't experience often in our hectic and hurried lives. So what is it about a snow day that changes our outlook?

I think it is we choose to believe in something outside of the norm...we let ourselves hope....we let our guards down and are willing to do silly things such as make a snowman or create snow angels...we don't even mind if someone hits us in the face with a snow ball!

I am challenged by this renewed belief and hope today to let my guard down and believe. Believe in others, hope for the future and the willingness to let my guard down and just enjoy life.

Cleaning out the Closests

2010-01-17T20:37:00.000-06:00

You know the story...moving day is quickly approaching so you begin going through all the stuff sitting on the table, the shelves, the drawers and cabinets and you think where did all this stuff come from. Just as we accumulate junk in the house we also keep things inside longer than we should. Some things are harder to let go of than others but once it's gone you realize just how little you missed it and sometimes you realize what a relief you no longer have to carry it around.

As I finish packing the remaining boxes and begin organizing and decorating my new home I am reminded that holding on to things that we no longer need is a weight that no one should carry.

So get in there in clean out the closets in your house and the closets of your heart!

Reflections

2009-12-28T20:11:00.001-06:00

As the year draws to a close I am reflecting on the year...2009 brought many trials, heartaches and challenges. It also brought some extradionary growth periods in my life. I learned a lot about myself this year. While I would like to say they were all good some are things that I wish to change about myself.

As we enter a New Year we all think about things we want to change, accomplish, hopes and dreams as well as the belief that there are new possibilities within our reach.

This year instead of planning new resolutions I challenge us all to think about an identity revolution. To put aside the lies that we believed about ourselves that then became our truths.

As I enter 2010 my prayer is that I grow to become the person God created me to be. That I become confident in who God made me to be so I can become all that I was created to enjoy.

Happy New Year to you all and may 2010 bring the change we desire and the dreams we hope for.

Happy New Year!

Giving Thanks

2009-11-29T19:52:00.000-06:00

What a wonderful long holiday weekend. I am truly blessed to have such a great family, loving man in my life and great friends. This weekend was a reminder of the little things that we so often take for granted. This has been a hard year for so many people financially; so many of my friends have lost their jobs this year, people are in economic hardships, family tragedies, broken relationships, and pain all around. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to experience these pains as they make me more empathetic to those who are struggling.

May I never forget to give thanks for all that I have, all that I am, all those who I love and they love me in return. As we enter this holiday season may we all remember where we came from, where we have been but most importantly where we are going.

Thank you Jesus for all you have done for me!

The Power of Forgiveness

2009-11-04T20:03:00.005-06:00

This has been a great week. I finally got back into my exercise routine, we are doing strategic planning at work and my relationship with Terry is really blossoming and I continue to see God working in both of our lives. For so long I struggled with receiving love and could not understand why. As I have continued to study Love; how to love myself, how to love God and how to love others I have witnessed my prayers being answered in ways I never dreamed possible.

Last night Terry and I celebrated our two year anniversary. I have to tell you when I reflect back over the past two years I have witnessed many changes in us both. We are no different than anyone else in a relationship as we have had to learn how to communicate how we feel, what our fears are and grow together. I would love to tell you the journey has been easy but that would be a lie, just ask my friends!

When I entered into this relationship I had many issues. I was insecure in who I was, I had preconceived ideas on how this relationship should be, I was selfish and I had so much baggage that I was carrying around and I refused to let it go. The walls that I had built to protect myself had become the very walls that were now keeping me captive. Although I did not want to be these things I did not know how to change myself. In order for me to change I had to face the truth about myself. I actively begin seeking God about what was wrong with me. Why did I continue to hold onto the past things that hurt me....Why could I not move forward....

We have all heard the saying "you can't give away what you don't have" all of our lives; well this became very real to me as I realized I did not love myself. I did not think I was worthy of love when I looked at all the mistakes I had made, the rejection I had experienced, the pain from words that were spoken to me and over me that continued to play over and over in my mind. I had spent most of my entire life looking for the approval of my father. Just wanting to hear the words "I am proud of you" or "You did a great job" but those words never came. I am sad to say that I will never get to hear those words on this side of my journey as my father died suddenly seven years ago. Since I could not get what I felt I needed there I turned my attention to other things; my ex-husband and my career. Again, I found that neither of these things filled the empty void of pain and rejection that I was carrying around. I went through a very painful and humiliating divorce six years ago and during that process I also lost my job, the very things I had built my identity upon.

The next several years would be life changing for me. I had to learn to forgive! A very easy word to say but not easy to do. Forgiving others and forgiving ourselves cannot be done in our own strength. Matthew 6:14 says "If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." That is a pretty strong command. If we continue to hold onto the past, the pain and the hurt by always keeping records and refusing to let it go, then God cannot forgive me. This was an eye opener for me!

I began searching scripture, reading books and praying that God would help me forgive those who had hurt me. In John Bevere's book Bait of Satan I began to see that the purpose and plan that God had when He gave us this commandment was to free me, not the offender. Forgiving others does not justify or make their actions right, it does not mean that when you forgive them you are saying what they did was okay, forgiving them is saying I choose to let this go with God's help and I choose to not dwell on those words, actions or deeds, I choose not to let this define who I am. Forgiving is a choice but it is not something we can do on our own. The power of prayer and the power of God's word is our weapon.

Because the Sovereign LORD helps me,

I will not be disgraced.

Therefore have I set my face like flint,

and I know I will not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7

God promises to help us in our time of need and I can't think of a time I needed Him more. And He was there with me every step of the way. It has been a long journey and yes there are still times today that those thoughts will creep back into my mind and I will find myself getting short of breath, getting anxious, remembering all those hurtful moments and if I let it, I will be back in those memories in an instant. This is when I must decide to either wallow in my past; or move on to the future God has before.

Which brings me back today! Oh can I tell you I am learning to love myself; not in a prideful and selfish way but learning to know who I am in Christ. Learning to accept myself faults and all. Learning to deal with the things God is asking me to change and when I stumble and when I fall knowing that He will be there to help me. I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned and the faith I developed during those trials. And when I come to my next "ledge" in life I will have faith and trust that God will be there to see me through.

I am changing

2009-10-28T20:21:00.004-05:00

Change is all around us…It is in the leaves falling from the trees, it is in the shorter days of approaching winter, it is in the economy, it is part of your job and it is in the heart of every believer who wants to be more like Jesus. This weekend I painted a room at friends house. As I walked into the empty room with the patched walls and primer it got me thinking about the changes that are happening in my life.

As you know I signed up to be part of the Joyce Meyer Ministries Love Revolution a few weeks ago. Each day as I wake up and start my day I am constantly having to change my prayers, my attitude and my outlook. In the past my prayers were about what I needed or what I wanted to see change in other people or my situation. Learning to pray for God to put opportunities in your path where you can be a blessing to others is not so easy.

This week my focus has been on finding three people every day and complimenting them on their hair, clothes, job well done or anything else that would be a blessing. It sounds easy right? I must be honest and say it has really been harder than I thought! One thing I have definitely learned is I am must be less concerned with being uncomfortable or being rejected and more concerned about building good relationships!

My commitment is strong and my desire is to be a blessing to others. I don’t know where this journey is going to take me and I don’t know how long it will take before this becomes a natural reaction for me but I will continue to actively pursue walking in love.

The Love Challenge

2009-10-15T16:20:00.007-05:00

I have been reading Love Revolution by Joyce Meyer and decided to accept her challenge this week of starting my own Love Revolution. Since I am a woman and you know we love to have company for just about anything we do, I decided to ask my friend Nichole to join me.

So to begin the challenge I needed to re-read what Love is according to Jesus and find a way to get myself off my mind. Hmm, now I am singing "You were always on my mind", not off to a good start!

I Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs. Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up.

It does not want what belongs to others...That really hits home with me. I often have myself on my mind. The moment my eyes open in the morning I start thinking of my day. How I want it to go, what I need to accomplish, what I want to happen, what I would like to buy, how I wish I had what she had, how great her life must be, if only I had that opportunity...Okay, you get the picture.

I found my Love walk needed to begin in my current relationships. As I have been reading and studying on love I would be reminded of times in my closest relationships where I did not respond in love and I was certainly not willing to do more than was necessary. I think I often take those closest to me for granted and think they already like and love me so I don't need to do anything more. Didn’t they enter this relationship knowing how selfish I could be? Yet those were the people that I needed to begin with. How can I profess to love someone else when I can’t even show love to those closest to me. So my love revolution begins at home. This week I made some homemade soup for my boyfriend, did an errand for him, treated a friend to a concert, and sent a card to an old friend.

I know it may not seem like much but for me and my closed off heart these were monumental. And as I found my flesh screaming and slowly dying it felt good. I don’t want to keep my heart closed off anymore. I want to open it up and give it away. The more love I give away; the more love I will receive in return. I am renewed and determined. And as Joyce says "Nothing good happens accidentally”.

Humility

2009-10-09T19:24:00.005-05:00

I don't know about you but I struggle with pride, there I said it. I get so focused on myself sometimes thinking what about me and what about what I want? I have had some opportunities over the past two weeks to really reflect and take a closer look at myself.

To be truly humble means "a lack of false pride", wow. Think about that for a minute. Humbling ourselves and thinking more of others than ourselves. Seems pretty simple right? Yet, everyday we put ourselves above others, we think we know the answer, we have a certain way we want things and when it does not turn out how we thought or how we planned then how do we respond.

I had an opportunity to humble myself before my staff a few weeks ago. Being the new kid on the block in my office I came in with a job to do and that required changes. I had to put measures in place that required the staff to buckle down; productivity, attendance and quality. I was so gung ho to make the changes and ensure that I did a good job that I did not stop to consider my delivery or approach. I wanted to be sure that we were the best, we were successful and we hit our goals. All great qualities for a leader and all what I was being paid to do, but I did not have the right attitude or approach.

After hearing several concerns and complaints being brought up I was at a crossroads....I took several days to cry and pray about the things I had heard. After some great Godly counsel I decided the best way to handle the situation was to meet with my staff and address the "white elephant" that was now a constant companion in our work environment.

I have to tell you I prayed all weekend that God would give me the words to speak, that my heart would be pure, my motives would be right, that I would listen with an open heart and not be defensive or feel like I needed to defend myself. That Monday morning I don't think I had ever been as nervous as I was to lead a meeting. As always, God never fails. He gave me the words to speak, he opened my ears to hear, and he gave me favor with my enemies.

That step of humbling myself and being vulnerable was the best thing for me. It not only has helped me with my staff but it has opened a place in my heart that has been closed; my eyes have been opened. I know we as leaders think we must always be strong, never show any weaknesses, never let them see you sweat mentality of the world is right, but I know from experience it is wrong.

So today, I have a post it note stuck on my computer that says HUMILITY. May this always be a reminder to me that we must never think we are above others and that we can never learn or admit we are wrong.

Thankful

2009-10-01T06:35:00.002-05:00

I have been blessed...this week I was able to see the FOG (favor of God) in multiple areas. It is hard to describe to others but it is a knowing in your heart and spirit that God read the desires of your heart, a need you had whether spoken or not, or just a random act of kindness.

So many people chalk these up to coincidence, karma or fate but I believe these are little moments where God is trying to show us just how much He cares and loves us.

I am thankful that I am learning to recognize them!

Giving

2009-09-25T22:07:00.001-05:00

Giving....this is the word I have heard over and over this week. Giving of your time, your resources, your money and of yourself. This is an area I have always felt was a strength. I give my tithe, I give to missions, I try to give to others and yet when I read this in a devotion, heard it in a sermon and listened to it in a meeting this week I felt a little conviction in my heart.

Was I doing all that I could? Did I find myself holding on to something so I could be a blessing for myself? I mean had I not recently gone through some hard times and just reached the clearing financially myself? So with that in mind I have been trying to "budget" and ensure I did not over give or bless someone without planning for it. I mean that makes sense doesn't it? So why would I feel God placing conviction in my heart, I was being responsible!!

Giving extended outside of finances. Was I doing and being there for my friends and family if they had a need. Was I willing to be inconvenienced for someone else? When I heard that small voice urging me to call someone I had not seen or talked to in a while, to send a card or offer an encouraging word was I willing to take the time?

So my prayer is "God would open my eyes to see opportunities before me and open my ears so I can hear him speaking to my heart, and the courage to act".

Sweet Fellowship

2009-09-17T21:40:00.002-05:00

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you." Colossians 1:9

Recently I began to earnestly seek God to bring some Godly women of faith into my life. I truly missed having someone I could talk to about the trials and struggles of life who was a believer and could identify with my hearts desire to serve God but could understand my struggles living day to day. I don't know why we are surprised when God hears our prayers and begins to move in our lives....but when He does boy is it awesome.

I recently joined a new community group within my church and have been blessed in just the two short meetings we have had. Our leader Julie has truly been a inspiration and positive encourager in her faith and just as a person. She has a pure heart and while it might be easy to look out the outward appearance of her home, her faith, her career and her family that she has it all, she to has struggles and her stories of trials and elation have blessed me.

And on a more personal level God has brought a true friend into my life at just the right time. Although I have know her for a few years our paths would cross on occasion I did not really know her to the depth that I am seeing today. She is a mighty woman of faith and someone whom I feel comfortable sharing my trials and struggles without the fear of judgment and I know she understands and is praying for me.

The fellowship of other believers and women is so important in our daily walk. I feel so blessed to know that I am building that circle of friends again. I want to be that fortress for them in their time of need and am thankful that God has opened these doors for me.

How do you learn to love?

2009-09-13T20:34:00.008-05:00

Have you ever been around someone who has so many insecurities, fears and has been rejected, judged and mistreated for so long they don't know how to accept love? If a person does not love themselves can they love and accept love? How do you teach an adult to give and accept this precious gift? Where can one find the answer?

A person who does not know how to accept love does not necessarily mean they don't want to be loved. In fact, I say they want to be loved more than they can express, they crave love, they look at others and want to have and be free to give and receive this love but it as if they are looking through a set of bars and don't know how to get to the other side. As if they have been locked inside a room for years wanting to get out...but over time they have found safety inside those walls. They know what to expect although they longingly look out the window and want what they see yet do not know how to get it.

A person who does not know how to accept love has unstable relationships, is always looking for someone to validate them, to praise them, to accept them, and tell them they are worthy. Worthy of love, yet if someone attempts to offer this precious gift to them they reject the very thing they crave. Why? How can they learn to be free of the fear of rejection and accept the love that is right before them?

Sunday's are lonely

2008-07-06T15:45:00.003-05:00

I don't know what it is about Sunday afternoons that make me very sad and feelings of utter emptiness seem to grip me. Maybe it is after all the excitement of going and doing all weekend that when I wind down and begin to prepare for the week ahead that I realize the emptiness inside?

This weekend was very full of activities, friends, events, going and doing so today as I came home and did the mundane tasks of laundry, checking email, etc. that I find myself feeling alone. Either way it is a feeling that I don't like. Why is it so hard to be alone at times? What is it about myself that I don't want to face? Why am I not content to be alone?

This is something I must examine for myself and will get back with you....

Milestones

2008-06-29T11:39:00.003-05:00

over the past two weeks I have been invited to three birthday parties for friends reaching the milestone of 40. When I look at this guys/girls I think wow, are we really at this place in our lives? I remember as a kid thinking that 40 was ancient and that we defined so many things in our lives by ages. If I haven't done this by this time it will be too late and now 40 well it isn't quite so old any more. To each of my friends who have celebrated and reached this place I think of them in terms of highly successful individuals who I have total respect for and I am proud to call them friends.

Happy Birthday Alec, Rachele, and Brian!!

Long Weekend

2008-05-26T16:23:00.001-05:00

This has been a totally relaxing weekend. Lots of changes going on in my life and many things just seem to be in a holding pattern or not what they seemed. Sometimes we think we are following God's will only to find that we have no peace and anxiety is our constant companion. But thank God that Luke 3:5 tells us "that He will make our crooked roads straight". That's right even if we think we heard God and we were following Him and then we find out we missed Him; He can make it right again. It is really hard when we go through times like these and trying to understand how you missed God and how easily we get off track. I guess the lessons I learned during this trial is to trust that you do know and hear God's voice and to act immediately on what he is asking you to do. This really tests are faith and trust in God. This is certainly an area that I am growing in.

I have read some great books that have helped me grow spiritually; the most recent by Beth Moore, Get out of that Pit. Wow, was that a timely word. We get into these pits one of three ways 1) we are pushed in by others 2) we accidentally fall in and 3) we willingly jump in. I could relate to each of these as I have been there in all of the above instances and getting out and staying out is something I am determined to do this time.

I am still praying what is God's will for my life and where should I be career, socially, and spiritually. My answer seems to be "wait" which is never the answer we want to hear but I pray that through my wait I get to know God more and find him to be faithful and my relationship will just grow stronger and stronger.

Birthday Musings

2008-02-25T18:26:00.002-06:00

So I celebrated another birthday and I find that every year I feel a little depressed... I can't decide if it is really that I feel old or is it that I can't believe how old I really am. I remember being a kid and when you heard that someone was 30-something you thought geez they are ancient. Now I am here and actually getting closer to the 40 mark. Yikes

They say we are only as old as we feel and I truly believe that. There are certainly days that I think I could out last any 20 year; combined with the hands on knowledge and experience and then there are days that I wish for the innocence of youth. To go back and do things over....Would I be a different person?

Anyway, I celebrated my birthday in Florida this year. Terry took me away on a surprise trip to Florida. We rented a fabulous 4 bedroom house with a private pool. The weather was great; sunny and 80. I mean who doesn't love that in the middle of February? I feasted on some great seafood and relaxed by the pool. Certainly makes me miss living on the coast.

So now that I am another year older I am thinking about what do I really want to be when I grow up. I am looking at some alternate career options and trying to decide what, where and what I want to do. Will keep you posted on the outcomes.