We Have more in Common than You think

I was at Marshall's yesterday looking for a great deal as all fashionista's do and met a wonderful lady named Linda. Linda and I started sharing our story as I tried on dress after dress with her assistance in zipping, unzipping and providing her opinion. As I shared time with this beautiful women she told me that she was engaged and would be married in 2011. After a heartfelt congratulations I asked Linda why was the date set so far away. As you see Linda was not some young lady she was a women in her mid to late 40's and usually at this stage in our lives a long engagement is not customary. She shared that she was using this time to decide if the relationship would last. Her philosophy was if they made it through the year and a half to the wedding date then she would know that they could make it.

In that moment and with those words, I realized Linda had been hurt and had her heart broken before. Maybe it was the guarded answer, the doubt in her words, the need for some time, a clue or mystical sign that this would last that provoked an all too familiar feeling in me that prompted me to ask...Are you divorced? Yes, came the reply. She went on to share her story of being with his man for years who she thought she could trust, whom she had shared her dreams and found her world crashing down on her in an instant. With one simple word; yes, I felt empathy for this woman and knew the unspeakable pain that was conveyed in that one simple word. We went on to share our stories in greater detail but the barriers that came down in that moment for us both; a sense of belonging, acceptance when you realize there is someone who was just like you, someone who knew what it was like to feel the pain that cannot be uttered in words, someone who did not look at you in judgment wondering what you did wrong that caused this divorce but simply someone who understood that yes, both parties had faults and made mistakes; but you cannot make someone love you or stay if they are determined to leave.

The simple truths that can only be understood by someone who has walked a mile in your shoes. Yes, heartbreak is no respecter of persons. It can come in many forms and to any person. As I reflected on this I was reminded of the verse where Jesus experienced the ultimate pain. Utter rejection by the very people who were His dearest friends.

Isaiah 53:3
He was despised and rejected; a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.

He was lied about, He was beaten for crimes He did not commit and He suffered the ultimate shame and humiliation. Somehow, I take comfort in this, it gives me hope and I have cried my heart out to Him. Page upon page of letters, prayers, fears, hurts and pains I have shared with Him. He does understand and He has promised to heal me, to be my comforter and to keep me in the shadow of His wings. Maybe I cannot comprehend the depths that He loves me sometimes and I find myself stuck in that moment of utter abandonment and rejection. But somewhere down deep inside there is a flutter that comes forth and gets stronger each day...This knowing down deep inside that He does care and I can call on Him and He will be there. I can talk to Him about everything and He never gets tired of listening. That's my Jesus! As we celebrate Good Friday may I truly understand and comprehend the depths of this verse in my life.

Philippians 3:10
That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Happy Easter,

You are Missing a Great Relationship

I am going to tell you something about me that I don't share very often and feel is a source of shame. I am DIVORCED and have been for six years now. This word brings me constant shame, regret and embarrassment. It makes me look at the world in a different light and makes me judge things, situations and people based off the hurt I have experienced in the past.

My view of marriage and relationships is based or biased off of what has happened to me and other failed relationships I have experienced or witnessed. It keeps me from trusting, believing, enjoying, laughing and just living my life as if something good can come from it. Last week I went to a wedding and while the couple was sharing their vows I found myself thinking “this won’t last” nothing does. I recently posted about a very dear friend who was instrumental in helping me through my divorce by praying, talking and supporting me; she is getting divorced. To me this confirms the doubts, fears and lies I believe about marriage.

I have spent the last six years trying to overcome the pain of rejection, the sadness of watching my dreams fall apart right before my very eyes, the gut wrenching feeling of betrayal by the very person who promised to love you and honor you before God, family and friends. I spent almost an entire decade with this man; sharing my dreams, my life, my home, my finances, my hurts, my joys, my family, my prayers and the very essence of who I was to only have it wiped away in a moment of realization that he was leaving me for what I thought was my best friend.

For those who have never experienced this type of pain; I can only say you have been blessed and may God keep you from ever experiencing the pain and utter heartbreak that comes from such betrayal. May God grant you the compassion and desire to be there for that hurting friend, family or acquaintance to listen without judgment and offer your heartfelt prayers that God would see them through this trial of their life. You will never understand what they are feeling and may never know the depths of pain and the battle that lies ahead of them.

For those of you who have walked in my shoes and know the pains I have described I want to tell you I understand. I have been where you are; I know about the sleepless nights, the fear of being alone, the inability to think for yourself, the helplessness that now consumes your days and nights. The moments when you are alone in the house that you once shared and you just sit and shake because it hurts so very much to be there. The running around without a purpose to keep from going home; sleeping on friends couches or going to every church retreat you hear about trying to find something to ease the pain. Pouring through the Bible asking God for a word; searching the internet for books and facts on “How to Save your Marriage”. Standing in every prayer line you can find asking for them to lay hands on you; or just begging God that someone would give you a “word”. Journaling your prayers and thoughts to God every night begging for a miracle that He would save your marriage; and as the months and years pass and you realize this is not His will your prayers start to change. God please help me to make it through…

Well here I am six years later; I have made it through I am back on my feet financially and to the eyes of the world around me; I have got it going on. You could not look at me today and see the cracks in my foundation, the scars that are still on my heart, and the doubts that are still in my mind. Yes, I have learned to mask and hide these emotions from most everyone I know. I have become the master of disguise. Yes, God has done some amazing things in my life and many of the things that once held me captive I have overcome; however I am finally sharing this small portion of my story with anyone who happens upon this blog but mostly for me to put it on paper and get it out of my heart so I can be truly healed.
I decided to share this today because you see I have been in a relationship with a wonderful, caring, compassionate, funny, giving, and God loving man for almost three years. I have shared my past with him and some of it goes much deeper than the wounds I have had the courage to write about today; but I bared my soul to him and told him about all the skeletons and terrible things in my past. Believe it or not; he is still around today. I don’t know if I hoped I could scare him off if I told him everything; and many times I think I still wait for him to decide that he can’t handle these things and walk away from me….

These things come up in our relationship time and time again even though I think I have changed and let them go; apparently I have not. He made a statement to me in our last flashback which really gave me pause and has prompted me to really examine myself, cleanse myself of the past and find a way to move forward. While I was brining up all my doubts and fears and basically accusing him of all these things he said, “Janet, you are missing a great relationship.” You see he does not hold onto every single word, deed, action, disagreement looking for some secret signal that he should leave me or doesn’t really love me or this relationship isn’t going to work. No, he takes each moment as it happens and chooses to believe that I love him. He always believes the best of me. He takes the 90% that is great and enjoys every moment and the 10% that is not so great….well he says still isn’t so bad when you love someone. He has figured out how to live what the Bible says.

I Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I do keep records of wrongs; I can be rude if I think he is doing something to hurt me; I lash out as a means to protect myself…I do not trust him or many people in general, I don’t hope, I have decided if I don’t expect much then you can’t be hurt much….I do not preserver, I am quick to just quit give up hope, decide it isn’t worth it. I don’t hold onto dreams and don’t really let myself get excited about much of anything. I am a very calculated risk taker!

I want to change, I want to believe, and I don’t want to doubt and always be in fear that everything is going to fall apart. I want to have faith that there really is love and it is real. I know I have these amazing feelings for him but I don’t let them out because I refuse to give too much of myself again. I only give about 30% maybe 40% of myself to this relationship and hold onto the other 60% looking for a guarantee that I will never be hurt and that this is real. I am cheating him and holding back all the love and emotions I feel because I am afraid of being hurt again. I am cheating myself of an amazing relationship because I can’t let go of these fears!

So this morning I am doing an emotional cleansing! I am taking the first step in changing and that is getting the stuff out, confessing my faults to you and the world!

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

I am taking the first steps to a new day and a new beginning and will share my journey with you. I promise myself that I will give all that I have to give and when I am afraid I will give anyway. When I feel like retreating or withholding my love because I think he is sitting in judgment or he may not agree with me, I will respond in love. I do want a great relationship; the kind that the Bible talks about when a man and a woman give their hearts to God and put Him first in their lives. That is the marriage and life I dream about but have believed is closed off to me because of my past!!

I will continue to share my walk with you as I commit to making a change and having the relationship of my dreams. I ask that you would pray for me and if you can relate to my story in anyway and wish to leave a comment as I continue sharing my story I will pray for you!

God Bless,

My hearts a little heavy this morning after hearing some very disturbing news about a dear friend. This has stirred many emotions in me through the night to the point I could not sleep. This friend has traveled down a path that has lead to deceit, lying, using others, hurting family and friends and will eventually hurt her witness.

As I heard the story I was reminded of a similar situation that I went through years ago and all the hurt, pain, devastation, fear and doubt that it brought into my life. As I lay there last night trying to understand and not judge this friend I wondered how could this happen. How do we get so far away from God that we can deceive ourselves that what we are doing is right?

While I have never walked the path and made the decisions of this dear friend; I have deceived myself into believing my choices and decisions were right. I have allowed my desires to overrule what I know and believe to be true in my heart. I felt the gentle tug on my heart as God tried to gently push me back on the path but purposely convinced myself that what I was feeling was just doubt and not God. Oh how easily we can close out the voice of God when it conflicts with our wants and desires.

There are many verses that describe the consequences when we go astray; and a familiar one we all know is Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. I am reaping today the seeds I sowed yesterday! If in the midst of the moment we could keep our eyes focused ahead and on the prize would we stray so easily?

The good news for us all is that God always forgives. There is no sin to big or to great that our Heavenly Father cannot forgive. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. This is His promise to us all.

I am thankful for a God who has forgiven me when I have gone astray and gently welcomes me back into the fold with Love and Mercy. May I always remember to offer and do the same to those who need forgiveness.

Spring Feveer

h I think I have a case of Spring Fever!!!  Two days in Nashville with temperatures in the 60's is enough to make a southern girl think about sandals, sundresses, sunshine, flowers and the beauty of spring in the South. 

Today I am heading to my first Bridal Show at the Frist Center.  It seems a little odd at this point in my life to begin or try to plan a wedding.  I really am not sure where to begin so I have a friend who is a pro; she is married and has hosted multiple weddings as the maid and matron of honor. 

So if I can just share I would love to find a great outdoor wedding location that won't break the bank.  Wish me luck and I will let you know how it goes.

Snow Day

So Middle Tennessee finally got snow....about seven inches! The white landscape is beautiful. The stillness and absolute quiet is something we don't experience often in our hectic and hurried lives. So what is it about a snow day that changes our outlook?

I think it is we choose to believe in something outside of the norm...we let ourselves hope....we let our guards down and are willing to do silly things such as make a snowman or create snow angels...we don't even mind if someone hits us in the face with a snow ball!

I am challenged by this renewed belief and hope today to let my guard down and believe. Believe in others, hope for the future and the willingness to let my guard down and just enjoy life.

Cleaning out the Closests

You know the story...moving day is quickly approaching so you begin going through all the stuff sitting on the table, the shelves, the drawers and cabinets and you think where did all this stuff come from. Just as we accumulate junk in the house we also keep things inside longer than we should. Some things are harder to let go of than others but once it's gone you realize just how little you missed it and sometimes you realize what a relief you no longer have to carry it around.

As I finish packing the remaining boxes and begin organizing and decorating my new home I am reminded that holding on to things that we no longer need is a weight that no one should carry.

So get in there in clean out the closets in your house and the closets of your heart!

Reflections

As the year draws to a close I am reflecting on the year...2009 brought many trials, heartaches and challenges. It also brought some extradionary growth periods in my life. I learned a lot about myself this year. While I would like to say they were all good some are things that I wish to change about myself.

As we enter a New Year we all think about things we want to change, accomplish, hopes and dreams as well as the belief that there are new possibilities within our reach.

This year instead of planning new resolutions I challenge us all to think about an identity revolution. To put aside the lies that we believed about ourselves that then became our truths.

As I enter 2010 my prayer is that I grow to become the person God created me to be. That I become confident in who God made me to be so I can become all that I was created to enjoy.

Happy New Year to you all and may 2010 bring the change we desire and the dreams we hope for.

Happy New Year!