Reflections

As the year draws to a close I am reflecting on the year...2009 brought many trials, heartaches and challenges. It also brought some extradionary growth periods in my life. I learned a lot about myself this year. While I would like to say they were all good some are things that I wish to change about myself.

As we enter a New Year we all think about things we want to change, accomplish, hopes and dreams as well as the belief that there are new possibilities within our reach.

This year instead of planning new resolutions I challenge us all to think about an identity revolution. To put aside the lies that we believed about ourselves that then became our truths.

As I enter 2010 my prayer is that I grow to become the person God created me to be. That I become confident in who God made me to be so I can become all that I was created to enjoy.

Happy New Year to you all and may 2010 bring the change we desire and the dreams we hope for.

Happy New Year!

Giving Thanks

What a wonderful long holiday weekend. I am truly blessed to have such a great family, loving man in my life and great friends. This weekend was a reminder of the little things that we so often take for granted. This has been a hard year for so many people financially; so many of my friends have lost their jobs this year, people are in economic hardships, family tragedies, broken relationships, and pain all around. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to experience these pains as they make me more empathetic to those who are struggling.

May I never forget to give thanks for all that I have, all that I am, all those who I love and they love me in return. As we enter this holiday season may we all remember where we came from, where we have been but most importantly where we are going.



Thank you Jesus for all you have done for me!

The Power of Forgiveness

This has been a great week. I finally got back into my exercise routine, we are doing strategic planning at work and my relationship with Terry is really blossoming and I continue to see God working in both of our lives. For so long I struggled with receiving love and could not understand why. As I have continued to study Love; how to love myself, how to love God and how to love others I have witnessed my prayers being answered in ways I never dreamed possible.

Last night Terry and I celebrated our two year anniversary. I have to tell you when I reflect back over the past two years I have witnessed many changes in us both. We are no different than anyone else in a relationship as we have had to learn how to communicate how we feel, what our fears are and grow together. I would love to tell you the journey has been easy but that would be a lie, just ask my friends!

When I entered into this relationship I had many issues. I was insecure in who I was, I had preconceived ideas on how this relationship should be, I was selfish and I had so much baggage that I was carrying around and I refused to let it go. The walls that I had built to protect myself had become the very walls that were now keeping me captive. Although I did not want to be these things I did not know how to change myself. In order for me to change I had to face the truth about myself. I actively begin seeking God about what was wrong with me. Why did I continue to hold onto the past things that hurt me....Why could I not move forward....

We have all heard the saying "you can't give away what you don't have" all of our lives; well this became very real to me as I realized I did not love myself. I did not think I was worthy of love when I looked at all the mistakes I had made, the rejection I had experienced, the pain from words that were spoken to me and over me that continued to play over and over in my mind. I had spent most of my entire life looking for the approval of my father. Just wanting to hear the words "I am proud of you" or "You did a great job" but those words never came. I am sad to say that I will never get to hear those words on this side of my journey as my father died suddenly seven years ago. Since I could not get what I felt I needed there I turned my attention to other things; my ex-husband and my career. Again, I found that neither of these things filled the empty void of pain and rejection that I was carrying around. I went through a very painful and humiliating divorce six years ago and during that process I also lost my job, the very things I had built my identity upon.

The next several years would be life changing for me. I had to learn to forgive! A very easy word to say but not easy to do. Forgiving others and forgiving ourselves cannot be done in our own strength. Matthew 6:14 says "If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." That is a pretty strong command. If we continue to hold onto the past, the pain and the hurt by always keeping records and refusing to let it go, then God cannot forgive me. This was an eye opener for me!

I began searching scripture, reading books and praying that God would help me forgive those who had hurt me. In John Bevere's book Bait of Satan I began to see that the purpose and plan that God had when He gave us this commandment was to free me, not the offender. Forgiving others does not justify or make their actions right, it does not mean that when you forgive them you are saying what they did was okay, forgiving them is saying I choose to let this go with God's help and I choose to not dwell on those words, actions or deeds, I choose not to let this define who I am. Forgiving is a choice but it is not something we can do on our own. The power of prayer and the power of God's word is our weapon.

Because the Sovereign LORD helps me,

I will not be disgraced.

Therefore have I set my face like flint,

and I know I will not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7

God promises to help us in our time of need and I can't think of a time I needed Him more. And He was there with me every step of the way. It has been a long journey and yes there are still times today that those thoughts will creep back into my mind and I will find myself getting short of breath, getting anxious, remembering all those hurtful moments and if I let it, I will be back in those memories in an instant. This is when I must decide to either wallow in my past; or move on to the future God has before.



Which brings me back today! Oh can I tell you I am learning to love myself; not in a prideful and selfish way but learning to know who I am in Christ. Learning to accept myself faults and all. Learning to deal with the things God is asking me to change and when I stumble and when I fall knowing that He will be there to help me. I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned and the faith I developed during those trials. And when I come to my next "ledge" in life I will have faith and trust that God will be there to see me through.

I am changing

Change is all around us…It is in the leaves falling from the trees, it is in the shorter days of approaching winter, it is in the economy, it is part of your job and it is in the heart of every believer who wants to be more like Jesus. This weekend I painted a room at friends house. As I walked into the empty room with the patched walls and primer it got me thinking about the changes that are happening in my life.

As you know I signed up to be part of the Joyce Meyer Ministries Love Revolution a few weeks ago. Each day as I wake up and start my day I am constantly having to change my prayers, my attitude and my outlook. In the past my prayers were about what I needed or what I wanted to see change in other people or my situation. Learning to pray for God to put opportunities in your path where you can be a blessing to others is not so easy.

This week my focus has been on finding three people every day and complimenting them on their hair, clothes, job well done or anything else that would be a blessing. It sounds easy right? I must be honest and say it has really been harder than I thought! One thing I have definitely learned is I am must be less concerned with being uncomfortable or being rejected and more concerned about building good relationships!

My commitment is strong and my desire is to be a blessing to others. I don’t know where this journey is going to take me and I don’t know how long it will take before this becomes a natural reaction for me but I will continue to actively pursue walking in love.

The Love Challenge

I have been reading Love Revolution by Joyce Meyer and decided to accept her challenge this week of starting my own Love Revolution. Since I am a woman and you know we love to have company for just about anything we do, I decided to ask my friend Nichole to join me.

So to begin the challenge I needed to re-read what Love is according to Jesus and find a way to get myself off my mind. Hmm, now I am singing "You were always on my mind", not off to a good start!

I Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs. Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up.

It does not want what belongs to others...That really hits home with me. I often have myself on my mind. The moment my eyes open in the morning I start thinking of my day. How I want it to go, what I need to accomplish, what I want to happen, what I would like to buy, how I wish I had what she had, how great her life must be, if only I had that opportunity...Okay, you get the picture.

I found my Love walk needed to begin in my current relationships. As I have been reading and studying on love I would be reminded of times in my closest relationships where I did not respond in love and I was certainly not willing to do more than was necessary. I think I often take those closest to me for granted and think they already like and love me so I don't need to do anything more. Didn’t they enter this relationship knowing how selfish I could be? Yet those were the people that I needed to begin with. How can I profess to love someone else when I can’t even show love to those closest to me. So my love revolution begins at home. This week I made some homemade soup for my boyfriend, did an errand for him, treated a friend to a concert, and sent a card to an old friend.

I know it may not seem like much but for me and my closed off heart these were monumental. And as I found my flesh screaming and slowly dying it felt good. I don’t want to keep my heart closed off anymore. I want to open it up and give it away. The more love I give away; the more love I will receive in return. I am renewed and determined. And as Joyce says "Nothing good happens accidentally”.

Humility

I don't know about you but I struggle with pride, there I said it. I get so focused on myself sometimes thinking what about me and what about what I want? I have had some opportunities over the past two weeks to really reflect and take a closer look at myself.

To be truly humble means "a lack of false pride", wow. Think about that for a minute. Humbling ourselves and thinking more of others than ourselves. Seems pretty simple right? Yet, everyday we put ourselves above others, we think we know the answer, we have a certain way we want things and when it does not turn out how we thought or how we planned then how do we respond.

I had an opportunity to humble myself before my staff a few weeks ago. Being the new kid on the block in my office I came in with a job to do and that required changes. I had to put measures in place that required the staff to buckle down; productivity, attendance and quality. I was so gung ho to make the changes and ensure that I did a good job that I did not stop to consider my delivery or approach. I wanted to be sure that we were the best, we were successful and we hit our goals. All great qualities for a leader and all what I was being paid to do, but I did not have the right attitude or approach.

After hearing several concerns and complaints being brought up I was at a crossroads....I took several days to cry and pray about the things I had heard. After some great Godly counsel I decided the best way to handle the situation was to meet with my staff and address the "white elephant" that was now a constant companion in our work environment.

I have to tell you I prayed all weekend that God would give me the words to speak, that my heart would be pure, my motives would be right, that I would listen with an open heart and not be defensive or feel like I needed to defend myself. That Monday morning I don't think I had ever been as nervous as I was to lead a meeting. As always, God never fails. He gave me the words to speak, he opened my ears to hear, and he gave me favor with my enemies.

That step of humbling myself and being vulnerable was the best thing for me. It not only has helped me with my staff but it has opened a place in my heart that has been closed; my eyes have been opened. I know we as leaders think we must always be strong, never show any weaknesses, never let them see you sweat mentality of the world is right, but I know from experience it is wrong.

So today, I have a post it note stuck on my computer that says HUMILITY. May this always be a reminder to me that we must never think we are above others and that we can never learn or admit we are wrong.

Thankful

I have been blessed...this week I was able to see the FOG (favor of God) in multiple areas. It is hard to describe to others but it is a knowing in your heart and spirit that God read the desires of your heart, a need you had whether spoken or not, or just a random act of kindness.

So many people chalk these up to coincidence, karma or fate but I believe these are little moments where God is trying to show us just how much He cares and loves us.

I am thankful that I am learning to recognize them!

Giving

Giving....this is the word I have heard over and over this week. Giving of your time, your resources, your money and of yourself. This is an area I have always felt was a strength. I give my tithe, I give to missions, I try to give to others and yet when I read this in a devotion, heard it in a sermon and listened to it in a meeting this week I felt a little conviction in my heart.

Was I doing all that I could? Did I find myself holding on to something so I could be a blessing for myself? I mean had I not recently gone through some hard times and just reached the clearing financially myself? So with that in mind I have been trying to "budget" and ensure I did not over give or bless someone without planning for it. I mean that makes sense doesn't it? So why would I feel God placing conviction in my heart, I was being responsible!!

Giving extended outside of finances. Was I doing and being there for my friends and family if they had a need. Was I willing to be inconvenienced for someone else? When I heard that small voice urging me to call someone I had not seen or talked to in a while, to send a card or offer an encouraging word was I willing to take the time?

So my prayer is "God would open my eyes to see opportunities before me and open my ears so I can hear him speaking to my heart, and the courage to act".

Sweet Fellowship

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you." Colossians 1:9

Recently I began to earnestly seek God to bring some Godly women of faith into my life. I truly missed having someone I could talk to about the trials and struggles of life who was a believer and could identify with my hearts desire to serve God but could understand my struggles living day to day. I don't know why we are surprised when God hears our prayers and begins to move in our lives....but when He does boy is it awesome.

I recently joined a new community group within my church and have been blessed in just the two short meetings we have had. Our leader Julie has truly been a inspiration and positive encourager in her faith and just as a person. She has a pure heart and while it might be easy to look out the outward appearance of her home, her faith, her career and her family that she has it all, she to has struggles and her stories of trials and elation have blessed me.

And on a more personal level God has brought a true friend into my life at just the right time. Although I have know her for a few years our paths would cross on occasion I did not really know her to the depth that I am seeing today. She is a mighty woman of faith and someone whom I feel comfortable sharing my trials and struggles without the fear of judgment and I know she understands and is praying for me.

The fellowship of other believers and women is so important in our daily walk. I feel so blessed to know that I am building that circle of friends again. I want to be that fortress for them in their time of need and am thankful that God has opened these doors for me.

How do you learn to love?

Have you ever been around someone who has so many insecurities, fears and has been rejected, judged and mistreated for so long they don't know how to accept love? If a person does not love themselves can they love and accept love? How do you teach an adult to give and accept this precious gift? Where can one find the answer?

A person who does not know how to accept love does not necessarily mean they don't want to be loved. In fact, I say they want to be loved more than they can express, they crave love, they look at others and want to have and be free to give and receive this love but it as if they are looking through a set of bars and don't know how to get to the other side. As if they have been locked inside a room for years wanting to get out...but over time they have found safety inside those walls. They know what to expect although they longingly look out the window and want what they see yet do not know how to get it.

A person who does not know how to accept love has unstable relationships, is always looking for someone to validate them, to praise them, to accept them, and tell them they are worthy. Worthy of love, yet if someone attempts to offer this precious gift to them they reject the very thing they crave. Why? How can they learn to be free of the fear of rejection and accept the love that is right before them?